My parents are cereal killers

I usually have a bowl of cereal every morning for breakfast. Well not THIS morning. THIS morning my parents decided to throw out all the cereal. Why did they decide to do that? Because there was a spaghetti sauce leak in the pantry and some dripped on the box. Doesn't that seem just a little ridiculous? I mean, there was only like a couple drops on the box, and the cereal is in a plastic bag anyway, so whyyyy would they throw it out?!? So I had to have a sandwich for breakfast because we had no cereal BUT I always have a sandwich for lunch and I can't have two sandwiches in one day so my entire eating schedule EXPLODED! I had to eat a microwave pizza for breakfast!

Thank goodness I went to a barbecue today and lunch was saved. However, I failed miserably at Scene It. It was still a funderful time though. Thank you, barbecue-giver, for keeping my entire universe from unraveling at the hands of a breakfast microwave pizza. However, I was forced to eat cheese and crackers for dinner...

Another entry on some random ramblings? What is this blog coming to...

SoC: Shattered Seashells

Shattered seashells so fluid and flowing groaning and growing hardly shards but scattered cards slaves washed away by waves and graves so empty they teem so silent they’re screaming and shouting their outing to nowhere to go where and show where their flow ends to bend and twist and mold the gist of gold to gain in pain to shine glowingly and knowingly with wisdom of all time and trial and tribulation the tv station of static staring straight through the melty-brained child stars and felt-handed compact cars caught catching crowns in crowds of clouds that fade softly into the mist you quietly wade in.

Shattered seashells shaping hearts that beat at their own slow pace tick slowly off the clock’s face fall softly in the palm of your hand folding grains of sand to make music and light in the stomach of night to digest lest they rest eternally in the eyes of the sky god and his flowing fields made of salty silk and orange milk that is safe enough to drink and sink down to the shine and brine at the base of the stand of the globe and the silver hem of the robe that no one can wear lest they tear away from the world.

Shattered seashells and scattered bells are the battered hells of which Simon tells each time he speaks in his commanding tone you must retaliate or be sucked into his dark romantic dance and games of chance to waltz in the fiery flags of white-tailed stags repeating forever their final fatal endeavor to mix and match and spark a revolutionary love a wingless dove senselessly beaten slashed crushed and mashed to be trashed happily ever after.

Shattered seashells finally free sadly drifting aimlessly so empty and whole yet not quite in-between for you and I to find together with our hands melting and our fingers still crossed after all these eternities spent soaking in the seashells.

Deaf to all but the song (the useless picnic story)

So today, in honor of school ending on Wednesday, the IB teachers held a big congratulatory picnic. There were like 100 IB kids there, most of which I tend not to get along with. And considering I do poorly in large crowds anyway, it was a recipe for disaster when I decided to go. Mainly I decided to go because there was nothing else to do, and I didn't want a repeat of yesterday's disaster: eating only 2 blocks of cheese and watching SciFi channel all day. There was a Tru Calling marathon!

Anyway, I basically spent 3 hours sitting on the grass and not speaking to anyone. Usual picnic for me. Except I had this song stuck in my head the whole time, and it just kept playing over and over and driving me slowly insane. I won't share what song it is, since doing that is useless to the story. Anyway, now I have to babysit a dog for the weekend, and my mom thinks I'm going to jump out of a window in misery. Oh, I think I skipped some parts. Oh well, those parts aren't important to the story either. Actually the story isn't important at all anyway. Let's change the subject...or at least expound on a previously stated theme.

So, I get songs stuck in my head a lot. Sometimes it gets so bad that I'm driven mildly insane by the music playing in my head. However, its usually really entertaining, and the music fits the situation I'm in. For example, I'll get town music from Earthbound playing in my head while I walk home from school, and I'm entertained the whole way back. Yeah, usually when I get a song in my head it keeps me from getting ridiculously bored (with my meaningless existence). So, I guess having a permanent iPod in my head is a blessing more than a curse.

...I totally lost track of what the topic was here. Oh well.

THE END!

Confusion...

WARNING: Emotional content. Viewer discretion is advised.

So, I haven't posted in a while. Everything's just really confusing now. My last day of high school was today...I just wish I could join in with everyone else and their simple gladness that they're moving on. But something is holding me back, like it always does.

Its not that I'm glad to be out of the hellhole called Schenectady High, its just difficult to leave. I never had many friends there, but it was just...familiar. I could go there knowing I'd see certain people at certain times, knowing what teachers I could talk to about what subjects, just feeling comfortable. But its over. The whole routine, after getting to know my classmates for 4 years, and suddenly just having it all drop away from beneath me, its just hard.

I can't find the right words to express what I'm feeling, and its killing me. If I'm supposed to be this great writer, then why can't I find the words that matter? I mean, I have all these emotions that I could write about, but its like I can only write them when I'm not feeling anything. Someone I know from school wrote a note on Facebook (haha, this sounds so unprofessional) where he talked about how he always has this mask on so that nobody can hurt him. I kind of feel that's what I do...I always seem to get hurt when I try to open up, so I just sucked back into myself, never speaking or trying to make friends. I don't know if it was fear, or what else it could be. Now, I just don't seem to know how to open up anymore, even when I write.

Everyone always talks about how beautiful my poetry is, and how deep the emotions I expressed are...but no matter how much I get complicated, I always hate what I wrote, and even that I do write. I never want people to see that side of me, especially friends. And its weird, since what I write is completely fabricated. I guess its a double edged blade...I'm too scared to show what I really feel because I'll just get hurt again, but I still feel the need to write anyway. So I fabricate emotions in poetry, and then I hate it because it isn't real.

It feels like I built up this whole wall to keep everyone out, and once it solidified I wanted to bring people back in, but I just couldn't. Now I feel, well, empty all the time. Sometimes I even feel hated. But, I brought it on myself. I think the biggest enemy I have is myself. I'm always tearing myself down. Its almost like because its something I was practically raised with, I do it to myself for a twisted feeling of comfort. Maybe even a feeling of home. But what kind of home is that? Home should be safe...how can my pain bring a sense of home?

Sorry for the rambling...I don't know, I'm just really confused right now. Maybe when I'm not insanely emotional for no apparent reason, I can explain things better. Or maybe at that point I'll just be fabricating it all again.

*Prime candidate for therapy here*

Silhouette of a Draining Heart

I

Colors pour from my eyes
The sky’s silent, empty tears
Cannot wash away the stains I’ve made
The darkening rainbow of blood splashed across the sky
Runs down the fading brick walls
Pools in the cracked dog dish
Dries into the crimson velvet of your room
A solitary plume is left floating in the ice-cold water
Resting motionless in the gushing rapids
Soak in the flowing colors
Return them to my fingertips
I need them
I
need
them
~
Colors pour into your eyes
Bleeding through the canvas
Filling the rifts of your mind
Oil.
Your blood flows like oil.
Black sludge in your veins.
Is it colorless
Or all colors melded together?
The whites of your eyes are gone
Flown to the sun to burn away all trace
The light is fading
The rainbow is dripping away
Filling in the hollowed night
The colors bleed
Colors always bleed

II

The colors of our eyes mix
Running down our faces
Our waltz splashes through the dense black of night
Your hand melts in mine
Go back to the surface, rip through the mud
Before the wrinkled satin dress tears
Into the sun’s fiery grasp we dance
Violet
~
Color
Color is nothing
Dark
Color is everything
The dark shatters
Violet
Violet shines through
The mirror shatters
Shards of violet
Pulsing in violet
Color is violet
Each pump of my heart resounds
A deafening violet
Vi-o-let
Violet is everything
~
The final chilled drop falls
Our dance sinks into the earth
Our eyes have faded away
A violet rainbow fills the sky
Scraping against the hallowed night
The colors bleed away
Colors always bleed away

Communet

One day for spite
We each had to write
A poem a peer would read,
The teacher grinned
Like we had all sinned
And set our thoughts to bleed.
Our pens delayed
But soon we obeyed
And splashed our pages red,
By symbol’s face
We wrote such a pace
We should all have been dead.

Now I, a child
So meek and mild
I never spoke a word,
Wrote with such strength
At such a length
I knew I must be heard.
My paper beamed
My word-voice screamed
With soul I never told,
A dazzling show
Of joy and woe
A masterpiece, behold!

And then it was time
By rhythm and rhyme
To read each other’s works,
I felt like a king
Since my poem would bring
Sound to my voice where it lurks.
The papers were passed
My heart beat too fast
Nervous to take to the stage,
So now here’s my crown
I’m left looking down
At the words that plague my own page.

This post is about...screw it, I'm tired

So pretty much every day in Journalism I spend the whole class on The Onion. Its awesome. That's pretty much all you need to know. That's also pretty much all I'm going to write for now. Oh wait, here's my horoscope:

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy!

Social Anxiety! Oh joy!

Okay, so I've had this crazy mash-up of good and bad fortune happening all at once and in congruence with each other over the past couple days. I'd rather not explain the whole thing, since its really complicated. Imagine Needful Things by Stephen King, and that could give you an idea of how complicated the combination of events was. Luckily, all the fortunes added together had a positive sum. Hurray positive sums!

Anyway, our final project in Psychology involves researching some sort of psychological issue and presenting it to the class. The teacher assigned me Social Anxiety. Not as exciting as some of the others, but she either chose it for a reason or there was some sort of huge coincidence - that's right, after researching it for hours, I discovered that I have Social Anxiety. It hasn't been diagnosed or anything, but it seems pretty obvious to me (and like everyone else). So...yeah, it explains a lot. Look up more info here (if you want): http://www.socialphobia.org/

By the way, Thursday the 28th was my gerbil's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SALISBURY! I think it was 7 people who wished him the same, but its not like I was counting or anything...

Yeah, that's it for today.

From my notebook

These are a couple of rhymes I jotted down during History class. At the time I knew what I was doing with them, but looking at them later I'm not too sure. I wish I wasn't so easily distracted, then my stuff would be more interesting...


Double Edge Words

Your crisp twisted truths tear and rip through my stomach
Like swallowing thorns just to get some cheap chuckles
You know I'd cry stop in a million flavors
But fish hooks are lodging themselves in my knuckles

You sleep in the daylight and conjure these poisons
They plague and devour our garden's sweet song
The hummingbirds swim in cold puddles of acid
And hope that the rust in their throat isn't strong

A changeling made of soup and silver
Built too high to touch the earth
Your bloody eyes change virtues to lies
And curse the values of birth

Alphabeta

A traveler to the star-splattered sky
Breaking backs along the way
Careful not to trip the alarm
Digging deeper in the well
Every step closer makes the road longer
Fountain stopped flowing
Gaining by losing
Hungry on a full stomach
Ivory keys on a self-playing piano
Jump forth to give an answer: another question
Killing the cat over and over
Laughing at the insanity crowded around
Manic to reach the destination
Never closer than when started
Open fields close
Pacing the university halls
Questions plague and pressure
Running from the build-up
Sky’s limit is a drop of rain in the ocean
Truth will elude
Universe hides it
Varying its wavelengths
Winter’s reflection shimmers
X’s value
Yonder lies the intellectual’s downfall
Z, the end, unattainable.

The same can't be said for History...

Yeah, we bombed our History presentation today. Our group had to do a skit in which we change something that happened between World War 2 and the Cuban Missile Crisis. Our subject was the failure of the American atomic bomb to detonate. An interesting topic, but due to a failure to cooperate, we ended up doing improv. It was the worst presentation in the history of my school career, to put it lightly. There was only one presentation that could potentially be worse, one in 9th grade involving owls and permanent trauma. I don't want to talk about it.

(so true)

Its been a pretty sucky day overall...I could complain about it, but I'm trying to stay positive in spite of this crushing depression (it fluxuates day to day; today it has rendered me catatonic). So looking on the bright side, it rained today! Some people may see it as a hindrance or inconvenience, but personally I love rain. Its just one of the most beautiful weather situations in my opinion. Take it how you will.

Ah well, back to work.

English presentation...went well? Hurray!

Well I figured my English presentation would go terribly. Much to my surprise (and pleasure), it seemed like everyone in class really got into my adventure in lateral thinking...thing. Considering my past presentations in English, I was the luckiest person alive. No angry mobs or anything! Although my presentation didn't go exactly as planned, it was awesome.

Basically the presentation was a competition to see who could answer the most puzzles. At the beginning, I said "The winner will get a Charmander" and I pulled out a 4' stuffed Charmander. Part of the trick was that it involved lateral thinking - I was actually going to give away a small Charmander figurine, about an inch or so tall. I never actually said I would give out the giant Charmander, so it would be fine...until an angry mob formed and chased me out of the county. However, the bell rang before it came to that, so no angry mob!

The class did 4 of my 32 puzzles (much smaller than I thought) but they really got enthusiastic over them. Well, at least it seemed that way. And since Sean is still working on them in Journalism, I figure at least someone found it interesting. Hopefully I get a grade reflecting not my oral performance but the students' interest...

I guess that's it for now.

Sunset is at hand

Now we stand with coarse waves lapping over our ankles
Arms outstretched, fingertips praying to scrape the horizon
You say if we reach it you’ll never let go
You’ll hold my hand and drift silently away
But I know your hands are buttered and your heart is set
I’ll be left alone, my feet molding to the coral
Watching you fade as the sun swallows itself
And I’ll wait in the dark
The clammy palms of ghosts caressing my cheeks
Vampires thirsting to trace the fearful tears down my face
Chanting in their wooden voices a history of mistakes
I listen to these twisted thorns of the future,
Cursing as my hand embraces yours.

Pota-toe

So I have another ingrown toenail. It sucks, since I already had one on the big toe on my left foot, and I had to undergo 2 surgeries in order to keep my toe from ripping itself apart. Now my right foot is infected and the toe is slowly swelling like a ripening strawberry. Its totally gross, because every time you touch it pus and blood start squirting out and it hurts like hell.

In order to prevent gangreen and the following rotting of your toes, you need surgery to remove the segment that is growing in wrong. However, my parents don't seem to realize this very well. In order to prevent too much pain or swelling, you can soak your toes in epsom salts or just plain water. My parents firmly believe this will cure it. But its not like soaking your toes in water will prevent your toenails from growing. So my feet are getting steadily worse, but my mother is determined to avoid surgery in any way possible. Its only a matter of time before my feet end up like this:

(not my feet, just so you know)

On a lighter note, I reached Chapter 2 in Mother 3!
...ugh, I'm feeling too sick about my toes to say anythign else.

The red one with the huge mouth, its the Ultimate ChrisStenzel! I mean Chimera.

I recently started a new file on Mother 3. This news is big enough to count as an entire 4 paragraph post on its own. Really, because all I can think, breathe, eat, and pump through my veins is Mother 3 when I start a new file. Even when I don't play Mother 3, I'm usually subconsciously Mother 3-ing continuously in everyday life. Like I'll play Mother 3 songs in my head during class and tap out the beats with my pencil, or institute Mother 3 characters into books when they get boring, or even use Mother 3 quotes as responses:
"Can you help me with my math homework?"
"I'm sorry, Mike, but that's called sexual harassment these days."
"But my name is Andrew..."
Anyway, in my opinion Mother 3 is the best video game ever made. I'm just going to stop here, I'm too busy playing Mother 3 to post about Mother 3 on this blog.

By the way, Mother 3 appears 11 times in this post. Its an important fact to know.